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“Team work makes the dream work” Part 1 – Jamiatul Ulama KZN
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Welcome to chapter 1 of the much needed Series “Team work makes the dream work”
The purpose of this series is to acknowledge marital issues within our muslim communities and offer guidelines as we navigate through this terrain that sometimes gets rough. This particular series has been specifically designed to address the married females in our community….and Yes, before you rush ahead to the next question, there will also be the much needed series for the married males InshaAllah!
In this article, I hope to include guidelines and experiences from my professional training and practice. After all, some things just make sense by practical example. Over this series, you will be in for a journey of smiles, tears, humour and even the intermittent rolling of eyes.
Without further ado, let’s get down to some theory and facts. SubhanAllah, our deen is complete and perfect (Today I have perfected your faith for you, completed My favour upon you, and chosen Islam as your way Surah Maidah 5/Verse 3). Recently I heard an audio by an acclaimed professional doctor from the UK. He describes how his research sent him on a journey of finding the truth regarding the self/psyche. This journey got him to spend time with various religions and he did find some good in their teachings. However, when he spent time with people from the Islamic faith, he indicates that the questions he still had suddenly came to a halt. Our perfect and complete deen had an answer for every single thing. He refers to it as ‘silsila’ (complete) SubhanAllah. Today, he practices deen in his profession after his reversion to Islam. The point of this is to reaffirm that our deen certainly has an answer to every marital matter too. This series will consistently gravitate towards the teachings of deen in attempting to effectively resolve marital dilemmas.
At this juncture, I invite you to reflect on the nikah you had….2 years ago, 20 years ago, 45 years ago. The grand wedding or the quick engagement – cum – nikah…love and fresh air for a while perhaps … and then the team work is meant to roll out. Whilst the nikah certificate does not come with a troubleshooting manual on the reverse side, we have our perfect example Nabi saw. A complete deen indeed. Alhamdulillah. For some couples, they figure out how to deal with life as a team, but sadly for many, the opposite is true.
Often it becomes hard enough to deal with the regular snoring of your partner at bed time and then there are those in-laws to cope with. What about who must help children with the homework and then the financial constraints? The problems compound and are endless. Over time, the relationship itself may begin to feel like one massive time bomb.
Pause, breathe, recite ta’awúz…there is a solution. In fact, there are many solutions.
Disclaimer: The stories in our articles are not factual. Their themes however, are based on real life challenges.
We recognise that within our communities, difficulties do exist in marital relationships. We also know that Islam is unique and stands ahead of any other religion due to its perfect and comprehensive nature. Islam therefore has an answer to every problem. We will therefore consistently draw from our deen to understand how teamwork makes the dream work.
Just as Allah has created every fingerprint different, so too is every human being different. We may be the children of siblings, speak the same language and even look similar, yet each of us has grown up with some variances within our home culture. Individuals then enter into a relationship with their own set of ideas, morals and values. Amongst other factors, when the variance is greater and the tolerance level is lower, the issues appear to be bigger. Added to this is the expectation that relationships must look like the glossy magazine pictures and insta-posts.
Life then begins to feel complicated, like the life of Sarah. Sarah spoke endlessly about how the difference of opinion she and her partner experienced in the relationship made her dread the evenings. The evening was the time she would have to spend with her husband when he arrived home from work. The dreadful evenings soon precipitated her panic attacks. Not much later, the relationship itself began to feel like one big conflict and she decided a separation was the solution.
Within her sessions, it became quite clear that although the relationship felt miserable for her, she really wanted a solution to a peaceful and good life with her husband. Sarah was helped with clarify that the space between the couple is called ‘relationship’ and disagreements that happen around the relationship are called ‘conflicts’. The blur between these two separate concepts became clearer to her when we discussed that when the conflicts are not managed appropriately, they impact on the space called relationship. To further support this argument, we also worked on recognising that shaytaan actively looks for opportunities to derail spouses and destroy the relationship. The enemy then is Shaytaan and not the spouse. Gradually, the perspective began shifting towards the fact that husband and wife are meant to be on one team and Shaytaan on the other. That sounded good, but what to do with that niggly difference of opinion?
We continued to work on determining whether the differences of opinion were regarding small matters or large ones. It was discovered that these were over little matters that were chronic, like…those annoying socks lying right next to the washing basket, but on the floor!!! And that phone call he got from his mother to ask what he ate for supper!!! Or that toothpaste tube that he would squeeze from the centre instead of from the bottom!!! Pretty eye rolling stuff but frustrating for many Sarahs around the globe. Over the weeks, Sarah began to understand that her position within the relationship as Queen of Her Home entitled her to a life of integrity, elegance and decorum. She also learnt that the survival of the relationship was far more fulfilling and valuable to her than the quarrels over the different opinions. She worked very hard on applying the skills we discussed in session that addressed avoiding the quarrels, troubleshooting for when they did arise and managing her anxiety. Soon, she found that her relationship began to shift and things looked brighter. SubhanAllah, Allah is most merciful. When we purify our intentions and seek assistance for His pleasure, InshaAllah, the help comes and the shifts happen.
Look out for the next chapter that will share some of the skills Sarah applied.
Apa Z Aboobaker.