Masculine Assertiveness and Authority – Jamiatul Ulama KZN

O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [designated] angels, [dreadfully] stern and severe. They do not disobey Allah in whatever He commands them. [Indeed,] they do whatever they are commanded. (Qur’an, 66:6)

Some men cannot assert themselves or exercise their legitimate authority in the face of women’s feelings. They are unable to hold up under the insistent pressure of the emotional and whimsical aspects of women’s nature.

This is not good. This isn’t tolerance, gentleness, or graciousness. This isn’t “emotional intelligence” or male “maturity” or “wisdom.”

This is a weakness that only leads to inevitable disasters. This male weakness leads, ironically, to the displeasure of the very woman in his life whom he is trying so desperately to please!

This is a lack of much-needed structure, order and discipline.

This is an inability on the part of the man to carry his masculine responsibility to lead, discipline and establish true justice for all parties involved.

For example, a man might cave to his wife’s materialistic demands, however unreasonable or unrealistic those demands may be. His conceding to her entitled selfishness constitutes ظلم (ẓulm, i.e., injustice) to other parties, but he is too weak to check his wife’s grasping pushiness in order to safeguard the rights of other people. So, what he’ll do, in order to avoid his wife’s whining or hysterics, is simply yield and give her what she wants regardless of whether or not it’s her Islamic right. In this way he ends up trampling on the Islamic rights of others and giving them less than what they’re due. Oftentimes, these other parties that are getting short-changed are his own daughters or sons. But the man doesn’t ensure and maintain healthy boundaries.

And he may very well tell himself that he’s being strong, wise and tolerant of his wife and her “needs,” but in reality, he is actually a coward who is afraid of his wife’s sharp tongue and aggression, cowering in fear of her wrath should he ever stand up to her. He’s just weak.

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Or, a husband might not check his wife’s excesses and emotionalism in relation to raising their children. So he sees that she’s babying kids who are no longer babies, coddling them well into their teens and twenties, making the kids grow into weak, soft, incompetent, pampered “adults” who are really just overgrown infants⁠—little, mini-Fir’awns.

Instead of putting his foot down and exercising his legitimate authority as a husband and a father, the man just sits back and passively allows his wife to damage and ruin his children.

He tells himself that he’s being a good husband, one who is benevolently “respectful of his wife’s motherly feelings” and considerately accommodating of her “natural maternal instincts and emotional needs.” But, the truth is, he’s neglecting the rights of his children⁠—to be raised correctly with discipline and boundaries, to be brought up with the appropriate balance between love and discipline, mercy and justice. So he allows his role as husband to superimpose and override his role as father, and for some reason, he foolishly thinks this is wisdom.

Or, a man may have daughters who are disobedient or wayward, who do haram things influenced by the wider non-Muslim culture. The daughters are scantily clad; commit zina; smoke weed and take other drugs; disappear at night with degenerate non-Muslim friends; and generally have no respect for authority or limits⁠—neither their father’s, other people’s or Allah’s.

Indeed your wealth and children are but a dire crucial trial. Yet Allah has with Him a magnificent reward. (Qur’an, 64:15)

Instead of holding his brazen daughters accountable, teaching them respect and responsibility or giving much-needed discipline by doling out appropriate consequences for these bad actions, the father simply lets his daughters indulge in the haram so he doesn’t hurt their feelings. He is too weak to stand up to his daughters’ unchecked desires, so he will be passive and dormant. He may at times offer gentle, soft suggestions that the girls should try not go out with bad friends or stay out too late, but these weak, tentative comments make no impression on his daughters since they’re never backed up with any authority, and they’re not enforced.

He may tell himself that he’s being a thoughtful and understanding father, one who truly loves his daughters and is doing his very best to “absorb” their issues so he doesn’t end up losing them in this wild non-Muslim country and:

“You know how kids are nowadays.”

“In sha Allah they’ll grow out of this and come around.”

“My daughters aren’t all bad.”

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The excuses he conjures up for his daughters and for himself are endless. Instead of rationally facing reality head-on or bravely confronting his offspring’s excesses and bad character, he would rather bury his head in the sand and tell himself that he loves his daughters. Why? Just so he doesn’t have to deal with his daughters’ ensuing temper tantrums if he dares to impose any actual rules.

He thinks he is only being “sympathetic” towards his daughters’ view of reality, regardless of whether or not their view actually coincides with reality. Instead of correcting his daughters’ delusions, he instead JOINS them in the delusions.

Delusions override Truth.

Emotions override justice.

Feelings override facts.

Whatever “feels good” overrides what’s right.

And the man allows it because he is weak, cowardly and inept.

This type of male weakness is actually a gross negligence of his masculine duty, and it leads to injustice and misery for all involved, men and women.

A man can and should be soft, indulgent and loving with the women in his life when he can but NEVER when it comes to committing injustice.

A good husband and father is lenient and forgiving with his womenfolk but he NEVER acts as an enabler of wrong behavior.

One of the most important duties of a man is to safeguard the rights of people and to enforce justice. To follow excessive feminine feelings inappropriately is to deviate from justice and to shirk masculine duties.

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