‘Team work makes the dream work’. Chapter 2 – Jamiatul Ulama KZN
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Disclaimer: The stories in our articles are not factual. Their themes however, are based on real life challenges.
In the previous chapter, we looked at Sarah’s story regarding chronic difference of opinion and how this impacted negatively on the relationship. We then described that the couple is on one team and the enemy is shaytaan. The article further expressed that the title of Queen of the home entitles a woman to a life of elegance, decorum and integrity. It was promised that the skills will be shared in this chapter…so here we go.
One would argue though, “Surely I can’t be only one who makes the effort!”. Alhamdulillah Islam has an answer for this as well. Whilst someone has to start the change, know that your Allah will reward all your efforts, so nothing is lost. We also often see that the residual effect of applying a skill is that over time, the spouse begins to reciprocate the very same actions.
The following skills are best supplemented with the ongoing supportive counselling system. Here, I will briefly share the skills Sarah practiced in session and applied everyday in her life. You will also find below a simple discussion of the skills:
Psychological dialogues:
- Purify the intentions for change
- Expect that tests and challenges will come…this is a temporary, trial-based duniya
- Consistently remind oneself that the survival of relationship is of greater value
- Leaving the relationship provides temporary relief but does not resolve one’s frustrations
- Frustrations are an internal process. These will continue to exist with one unless managed
- Acknowledge that when you are using the skills in the throes of the difficulty, you are actively defying shaytaan (anger is from shaytaan). Well done! You have won this round and gained Allah’s mercy!
Practical skills (self-regulating tools) for managing overwhelm/frustration/anger:
- Slowly recite taúz
- Walk away
- Breathe deeply a few times
- Make wudhu
- Go outside for a walk
- If you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting, lie down
- Remain silent and bank the issue at hand to deal with at a later time
In the throes of the difficulty, when overwhelm or anger has gripped a person, rational thinking goes out the door. Too often I have heard in session… ‘I lost control of my actions’, ‘I didn’t really mean it’. We become tangential, so we start complaining about his mother and sister or we become historical, we bring up all sorts of things that well, …are best left buried in the past where they belong.
Ulema have explained that anger is from shaytaan and in the moments of anger, shaytaan literally sits above a person and controls the thoughts and actions. Just as we see kids manipulate the controls whilst playing a computer game! We certainly don’t want to permit shaytaan to control us.
Initially the skills may be difficult to follow but with consistent application, they become automatic, kind of like driving a car. It takes time to do things differently after 16 or 36 years. SubhanAllah, mainstream research seem to be presenting the same and similar methods. My Nabi (saw) and your Nabi (saw) taught us these techniques one and half millennium before mainstream academics discovered them! I will discuss just two without including the full biological explanation.
Mainstream has presented a technique called the ‘six-second pause’. Academics suggest that counting slowly from 1-6, helps a person self-regulate their intense emotions and avoid an overreaction to the situation. Research has discovered that it takes exactly 6 seconds for the intensity of the emotion to wash out from all the cells of the body. Our beloved Nabi [ saw ] presented recitation of ta’uz in the moment of anger. Reciting the tau’z slowly takes six seconds. What better than to recite tau’z in those moments and receive Divine intervention against shaytaan who has caused this dilemma for you in the first place? Similarly, for every self-regulating tool listed above, mainstream has presented some type of research that supports its effectiveness.
The first 6 tools are a diy script, but you might be wondering, well what about point 7… ‘bank the issue’. Certainly, this one requires a framework. In the moment of overwhelm, reminding yourself that there will be a space and time to discuss the matter in order to reach an effective solution, helps you to remove yourself from the situation with more ease.
This brings us to Hannah and her dilemma over feeling that her issues were being left unresolved. Hannah was a typical working mum. Her day began at tuhajjud SubhanAllah, which she described as the sweetest part of her day…no nagging child, no waiting husband. Just her fragile soul in the hands of Allah. Once that time had passed, life began…cooking, school lunches, ubering, work, ubering, supper, homework, husband. Right now the other Hannah’s reading this are probably nodding in agreement with their all too familiar life. Definitely emotional availability will be wearing thin at the end of the day and kids and hubby are likely to get the wrong end of the snappishness.
In session we worked hard to build in and maintain a few practical and psychological supports. We built in a few pause buttons during the day like a brief 7 minute qailullah switch off at the work desk with the intention of Sunnah and refreshment, as well as a 2 other moments of pause and breathe, and finally a brief ‘clearing of the mind/detox’ on the way home. With regular application of this, Hannah felt a little more emotionally available to the needs of her children and husband.
We spent time defining her role as the back-bone of this family, her importance in this environment and how Allah never makes a mistake. Together with creating the big blue sky and deep oceans, Allah in His wisdom chose her specifically out of all the other women in this world to hold this fort…and that Jannath is not under the mother’s feet for nothing of course! Indeed, her reward is with Allah. Soon all those exhausting tasks became easier on those shoulders as the perspective shifted to… I would like to do this for my Creator, it is also an ibaadath rather than I’m doing this because I have to. On the days where the emotional availability was wearing thin, she tried hard to apply the overwhelm management strategies listed above. Her calmer disposition rubbed off onto her family and they became somewhat easier to manage. Rarely, did she have to use the ‘bank the issue technique’ which she found effectively resolved the issue.
The ‘bank the issue’ technique is designed to help a person manage a disagreement between 2 people, often the spouse.
- In the overwhelming moments, remind yourself to remain silent and bank the issue.
- When the emotions are in check, respectfully request an appointment from your spouse.
- At the appointed time, briefly express your feeling without blaming anyone, eg: I feel so upset when I don’t get help clearing up the supper table.
- The spouse repeats what they have heard to ensure that they have understood it correctly.
- You get to agree if the repetition is indeed accurate.
- The spouse may then offer a solution; eg:I will try to be mindful of taking my dishes to the sink, it is a sunnah
- You may appreciate the solution, whatever it may be, even if it is not exactly what you were looking for.
- Close the conversation with an appreciation of each other. This point conveys care despite the difference and also serves to seal the issue there rather than crowding the rest of the time that is spent together.
Alhamdulillah, a few sessions and some intensive application later, Hannah was well on her way to enjoying a relationship with her spouse that was healthy whilst still juggling all the balls her life expected her to juggle. Essentially, Hannah learnt that she can’t change the direction of the wind but she can adjust her sails…and the tools helped her learn how to adjust her sails.
Apa Z Aboobaker
Counselling Psychologist
