‘Team work makes the dream work’. Chapter 3 – Jamiatul Ulama KZN
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Welcome back to chapter 3 of ‘team work makes the dream work’.
In the previous chapter, we looked at some of the skills Sarah and Hannah used in their lives to help them manage their chronic relationship issues. Thus far, we have addressed issues that are chronic but of moderate intensity.
In this chapter, we will look at the intensity of some marital issues as well as the common themes we find in the stories of the couples that request assistance. SubhanAllah, if we are left to our own logic and reasoning, we will definitely falter and we therefore need a compass to direct us. Alhamdulillah, our deen provides the gps co-ordinates. Within our deen, women have been blessed with the safety of rights. If those rights are abused, then there certainly are methods in which your rights may be met. Sometimes these rights bring with it some tough decision making. Let’s take a look at the stories of Anguishing Asma and Distressed Dilshaad to illustrate this.
Asma came in every session, crying her heart out… no, not even her heart…she would cry her soul out. The sessions were very exhaustive for her but each one helped Asma gain a bit more clarity and perspective over her situation. She described the traumatic verbal, physical and emotional abuse she would endure from her husband. Through glistening tears and a deeply burgeoning heart, she would express…’I can bear the hitting, but the insulting words are something I can’t bear any longer’. Despite this, she was unable to detach herself from her husband. She still dearly loved him. (The psychological reasoning for the actions of the spouses will not be addressed within this chapter. We do however, understand that there is a reason why each person behaves they way they do).
The immediate response many would have to this is … ‘what’s wrong with her, she must leave him and move on!’. It is only when you have sat in the session with Asma, that you would begin to appraise how this is not just a quick, cut and dried matter. Thus, we forged ahead with a management plan. It was strongly recommended to Asma that she receive brief individual counselling to reach some psychological stability. Within the sessions, she was equipped with a few crisis intervention and safety strategies. It was also identified that her approach and responses in the relationship contributed significantly to its dysfunction. We prioritised couples counselling and mediation. Certainly, as we find with most matters, her husband ‘Offended Osman’ was not inclined to attending. Tongue in cheek…no male wants to hear that he needs help!) However, with diplomatic conversation, it was agreed that a session would be set to understand both perspectives.
Within the first session, each spouse rapidly began pointing out the failures of the other. This went on for a while until a pause was called. The body language and verbal communication described how each person was rigidly sitting within the confines of their own perspective only. Hence, they spoke different languages… all at once. We then tried to address the question regarding what they did like about their spouse ….and the pause suddenly grew longer. No-one had even thought of that for many years.
Within sessions, each spouse was able to take accountability for their problematic responses and counter-responses. They were also firmly equipped with skills on how to manage their expectations and frustrations. Recommendations for further interventions were also discussed and gradually achieved. Indeed a very long journey and many trial and errors later…the ruptures in the relationship were being repaired faster and the relationship began to grow. The issues became minor as mutual respect was gained for the first time in the relationship. Alhamdulillah, the tricks of shaytaan were being acknowledged and actively kicked out. To explain this further, each partner was becoming more aware of their level of discomfort and irritation induced by shaytaan and not by the other partner. The couple got better at self-restraint, knowing that Allah’s mercy was descending on them in that moment of distress. They worked very hard on defying shaytaan, by monitoring their own self-regulation in that moment rather than on their partners actions. Soon the smiles and giggles began returning (yes, couples giggle even in session when they begin to relax and find one another’s positive qualities again). Team work began making the dream work. Indeed, Allah is most merciful. He alone holds the wisdom over all matters.
Sometimes, rarely, the fairy tale ending does not transpire as intended. It would still be useful though, to give the professional intervention process a chance before prematurely deciding on the outcome. Just in case.
Let’s peek into the world of Distressed Dilshaad. Even though this relationship did not present with severe abuse, there was 40 years of unhappiness and a sombre breakdown of the relationship. Unfortunately, one partner or the other was unwilling to attend sessions or actively apply the skills they were learning in session. The couple was unable to continue tolerating the other. Sometimes, the exhaustion of trying to work hard on maintaining the aliveness in relationship became too much of a tedious task even though the process was gradual. Sadly, despite the relationship breakdown and lack of action from the partners to banish shaytaan, Unwilling Usman refused to give Dilshaad a talaaq. She was thus supported through her tough decisions of a separation and eventually an annulment. Supportive counselling was offered to her throughout and after this process.
In our work, we have found that there exist some commonalities that contribute to fragmentation of relationships. Some of these are; communication break-down, abuse, substance abuse, volatile temperament, expectations, high standards, pornography, gambling, extra-marital affair, and financial neglect. Many of these societal ills can be repaired with the correct professional intervention and supports in place.
Take home points:
- Society strongly condemns abuse, more so physical abuse because it can be evidenced.
- Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.
- Any partner abuse is not accepted in our perfect deen.
- Each spouse will need to take accountability for their actions and responses.
- Repair is possible even in relationships that look very problematic.
- A women is able to exercise her rights in deen if she needs to.
- Protocols are in place to support this process where required.
- It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try.
- Every tolerance and effort is rewarded and never goes unnoticed by your Creator.
- Indeed Allah is Samee ul Basweer. All Seeing – All Hearing.
Apa Z Aboobaker
Counselling Psychologist
