Aayaat That Feel Like a Bandaid in Parenthood
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9) Turn to Allah when no one understands your grief
…”I only complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah…” [12:86]
The children of Yaqoob عليه السلام were annoyed by their father’s expression of (rightful) emotions, and their father (instead of expressing his emotions to them) turned to Allah. He disengaged because there’s no benefit in staying in a conversation where your emotions are not held. Instead of believing that he should get over it, he changed his channel of emotions. He didn’t express it in front of the same audience. He found a far better refuge.
When people in our lives shut their doors on us because they have their own unhealed parts that they refuse to recognise, turn to Allah. Along with that, find another channel of expression, find another set of audience instead of believing that you have to suppress your emotions in order to live in peace. Not everyone has the emotional intelligence to practise empathy.
See THIS POST for an in-depth commentary on this aayah.
10) Hard-heartedness breaks the connection with your kids
“…And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allah’s) Forgiveness for them…” [Quran – 3:159]
We don’t see and hear ourselves when we are angry, especially when dealing with our kids. We shout, scream, and say things that are considered very mean in an adult world. Verbal bullets are shot and kids are left wounded. Controlling anger as a parent is hard when deep down inside we may feel like we own our children because we gave birth to them. We all are Allah’s amaanah and so are they! Allah gave us His creation so we can beautify it and return it to Him when the time comes. Yelling is not only harmful to kids but it is harmful to our souls as well – not just our aakhirah, but also harmful to our dunya.
11) There’s always a ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel
The glass is half full, half empty. You feel you have lost your identity after motherhood? I’d say you’ve gained a better one. You feel like you can’t worship Allah like you’d like to? Perhaps you’re now worshiping Allah the way He’d like it from you!
Of course all the former feelings are valid too, but constantly living in the latter part of thoughts is self-sabotaging and damaging for your health in the long term. It’s easy to fall into self-pity and frustration this way.
“Verily, with the hardship, there is relief.” [Quran 94:6]
Know that ease is there WITH every hardship. Not after. Not later. But WITH. So Allah wants us to see the half glass full as well to balance out the negativity with some positivity. According to speaker Nouman Ali Khan: “The subject of the sentence in the original Arabic is ease, not difficulty (making us focus on ease not on difficulty). The subject “ease” is in the indefinite form and the predicate “difficulty” is in the definite form ((a) the ease to come is much greater than the difficulty. (b) It is also less recognizable. This means that the difficulty you experience is very well known to you. But the relief Allah is bringing you may be not what you were expecting. It may also already be here and you haven’t even recognized it. It may also come in stages or some at a time). Certainty is associated with ease not difficulty (people are being reminded that they become very certain of the difficulty but very doubtful of the relief to come. Allah wants to reverse that equation). The use of the term “with” instead of after – ease isn’t necessarily coming after the difficulty but with it. This means (a) that every difficulty that we can see, simultaneously comes with some kind of ease we fail to recognize. Every bad circumstance may be avoiding some much worse one in Allah’s mysterious plan and if you and I knew that, may be we would realize that compared to the alternative this is ease. It also means that (b) ease in this life is something Allah created as inseparable from difficulty. They have to coexist but one is simply a means to the other. If the ease wasn’t worth it, no one would go through the difficulty…”
I remember there was a time in motherhood when I started filling the #AlhamdulillahForSeries gratitude journal completely dedicated to my kids. Writing down about the positives made me a much happier mother. I even did the same with my husband which resulted in me being a much happier wife too Alhamdulillah.
12) What is taken from us is a test and what is given to us is also a test
“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.” Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the guided.” [Quran; 2:155-157]
The grief may never go away. The void may never fill again. But we need to take care of ourselves beyond 3 days. Allah gives us the chance to pick ourselves back up again. Out of everyone else, us mothers need to take care of ourselves the most in this difficult time. I’ve been there. The wounds still feel fresh sometimes. When Allah says mourning is for 3 days, it means how one can let go of themselves in that time in terms of self-care – for eg: One doesn’t apply perfume etc. But feeling sorrow has no timeline. Though I hope that our hearts are filled with hope even when the sadness doesn’t seem to leave and the tears never cease to flow. May our tongues never say anything that displeases Allah even when the soul feels wounded and hurt. It’s not easy. But I know that Allah wouldn’t have let us go through something like this if He didn’t consider us strong enough! May we meet our beloved children in Jannah.
13) Our child’s behavior is not our report card as a parent
Wealth and children are adornment of the worldly life. But the enduring good deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for hope. [Quran; 18:46]
GOOD parents have kids who lie, hate their sibling, have envy, are disrespectful, are disobedient etc. Adam عليه السلام had such child.
Nuh عليه السلام had such children. Yaqub عليه السلام had NINE of such children. And the list goes on if you look into the lives of sahaaba and salaf etc.
Your child’s behaviour is not your report card as a parent! The more you think that, the more it halts your own progress as a parent. Because you’re now dependent on a child half your age. You’re powerless when you focus simply on the behaviour of your child and not yours. Your reward from Allah is based on YOUR righteous deeds mainly.
14) Taqwa is the most important luggage we carry with us
And whatever good you do – Allah knows it. And take provisions, but indeed, the best provision is fear of Allah . And fear Me, O you of understanding. [Quran; 2:197]
I remember sitting on the shoulders of my father during hajj as a 5yr old. He would give my 3yr old brother turn on his shoulders too. I have memories of my mother wearing my father’s slippers as she lost hers and my father walked barefoot on a rough terrain in a hot sunny day…
I know we delay hajj till our children are big enough, but I wouldn’t have these memories if my parents weren’t brave enough. They went for hajj twice with all us 3 kids. Parenthood is difficult even without hajj in the mix and hajj is difficult even without kids in the mix – so you can imagine the level of difficulty when two hardships combine. But the most important luggage we carry is truly TAQWA! It makes all difficulties easier because we know that none of our efforts will be wasted in aakhirah.
15) Parenting is hard, but it’s an amazing self-development tool
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [Quran; 2:216]
How can something take so much from you yet give you so much is beyond me. I know it’s right when we say that motherhood has taken so much from us. But it gives us so much more than what we ask Allah for. It saps our energy, but gives us double the power. It wears us down, but also gives us the ability to stand up back again. It makes us extra emotional, but it also grants us that extra emotional strength. It takes away all of our time, but teaches us so much in the process. So, may we see this role as a blessing instead of a burden. Indeed, it’s hard, but may we not raise broken adults even when we had a broken childhood…
It has been the greatest self-development tool so far! You improve because you want to break the generational cycles – even when it makes you step out of your comfort zones.
16) Allah’s Help is nearer than we think it is!
Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until messenger and those who believed with him said,”When is the help of Allah ?” Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near. [Quran; 2:214]
When my sister was just lyr old, my mother had a fatal accident. She landed in the hospital with half of her body completely paralysed. My mother was completely bedridden for the next 3 months. What happened after 3 months was purely a miracle. Doctor said her willpower helped her come back with Allah’s mercy. If I ask my mother, her lyr old was a huge motivation for her.
And as I sat in the ICU, reassuring my children with the words “alaa inna NasrAllahi qareeb”, I realised what made my mother push through beyond her capacity was indeed motherhood! Allah has put an immense power in this relationship. When your body wants to give up, the thought of your children helps you to push through one last time.
