The Coddling Of The Western Muslim Mind: [Part 1] The Cult Of Self-Esteem

What does ‘coddling’ mean? It means to be overprotective.

This article is a summary of some of my thoughts about the current state of the Western Muslim community. It is inspired by Jonathan Haidt’s book, the Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions & Bad Ideas are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. While reading this book, I was surprised by how many of these ideas were manifest in the Muslim community too, albeit in more unique and particular ideas.

In the same vein, I contend that current trends in da’wah and Islamic education in the Western World – especially in North America – although well-intentioned, are setting up the community for failure. I will adjust the three main problems in the book into language and content more applicable to the Muslim community. At the end of each problem, I will suggest what we can do to improve.

‘Only God Can Judge Me’: The Cult of Self-Esteem

I was recently in a masjid in Canada where I overheard an argument between a masjid administrator and an elderly Muslim uncle. The uncle was upset that the Imam had told him his prayer was likely invalid due to something he had done. I heard the uncle say, “Who is he to tell me that my prayer is invalid? That is between me and God!”

Given how well-known it is in fiqh and hadith that certain actions invalidate our prayers (as a very basic example: losing your wudu in prayer), I was quite shocked by this absurd statement. The same fiqh and hadith that teach you how to pray also teach you what breaks your prayer.

It was easy for me to think at that moment that this was an isolated case of a grumpy elderly uncle. But if we are to observe Muslim culture in the West – both online and offline today – it is anything but isolated to the elderly.

Many Muslims in the West have become overly sensitive to any criticism of their religious practice or interpretation of what it means to be a good Muslim. The Prophet said,

“The religion is sincere advice.” [Muslim]

Encouraging others to do good and preventing them from doing evil is a core aspect of Islam, and abandoning it is mentioned in the Qur’an as a characteristic of past nations that were destroyed.

But to advise today is to incite antagonism and resentment. Advising a Muslim man to stop talking about issues of religious controversy they have insufficient knowledge of often invites outcry and complaints about curtailing the freedom to speak their mind. The status of students of knowledge and scholars – which is not just of practical but theological importance -, is thrown out the window. The same goes for advising a Muslim woman about her dress or social conduct. The Muslim version of the accusation of ‘mansplaining’ arises, as if Muslim men have no responsibility or obligation to correct issues in society that pertain to women, even their own daughters. The most extreme version of this attitude is when you see homosexual ‘Muslims’ proclaiming the acceptability of their choices and the refusal to accept criticism of their beliefs that contradict the most basic tenets of Islam.

What are the reasons for this? I will discuss three.

1. Our exposure and lives amidst secular teachings and environments

In secularism, religion is a private matter that does not extend to the world outside my house or mosque. Growing up in this environment, we end up believing that our practice of Islam is a personal matter between us and God. If you don’t know what secularism is, and have never lived in a Muslim country, this almost seems intuitive.

In Islamic law, ethics, and spirituality though, this has little basis. Yes, we will be answerable to Allah on our own for our deeds on the Last Day, but reminding each other, advising each other, correcting each other, and supporting each other to do good and avoid wrong actions is a fundamental part of how an Islamic society is supposed to function. Allah describes the People of the Book, i.e. the Jews & Christians, as having been cursed because,

“They would not forbid each other from evil they used to do. Indeed how evil is what they used to do!” [Surah Al-Ma’idah: 5;79]

Islam doesn’t stop as soon as you step outside your house or masjid. We see this all the time in masjid parking lots. Stranger prays together, foot to foot, shoulder to shoulder inside, but as soon as the prayer is over we are aggressively cutting off each other in the parking lot and not giving each other space. We attend to our prayers when it’s time, but then go right back to watching the sinful content of Netflix.

2. The cult of self-esteem

The culture of self-help books, life coaches, pop psychology, and self-serving algorithm-driven social media advice of ‘believing in ourselves’ and ‘self-care’ have overridden the Islamic imperative to be wary of the nafs (self). Instead, we have transformed from being wary of the nafs and how it deceives us into evil via our desires and human weaknesses, into celebrating the nafs and obeying it even if it goes against Allah , His Messenger and the consensus of Islamic scholarship. This is the equivalent of worshipping the nafs. The wife of Aziz, who fell prey to her own desires in her attempt to seduce and then falsely accuse Yusuf , when confronted, reproaches herself by saying,

“And I do not acquit myself. Indeed, the soul is a persistent enjoiner of evil, except those upon which my Lord has mercy. Indeed, my Lord is Forgiving and Merciful.” [Surah Yusuf: 12;53]

Distractions from find self-worth in the pleasure of Allah [swt] [PC: Javier Gonzalez (unsplash)]

Today we see Muslim men attaching their self-esteem to abhorrent views of women and self-serving interpretations of masculinity. They can’t find their self-worth in being servants of Allah or practical and useful endeavors in life, so they wallow in the shallow and self-destructive world of sectarianism, pointless argumentation, alpha-male/red-pill discourse, and attacking students of knowledge and scholars. This is in addition to video game addiction and the epidemic of pornography.

Muslim women on the other hand have boiled down their entire self-worth into the hijab and feminist notions of males being the enemy. Apparently, the hijab gives you superpowers, where you can suddenly now talk about Islam and give your opinion on Islamic issues of scholarly import with impunity on social media just because you wear a hijab and have a few thousand followers. Regardless of what the woman thinks, says, or does, it is her husband, father, or Imam who is the real perpetrator and she is always the victim.

Individualism is counter to the theological, legal, and ethical imperative in Islam to be an ummah. Muslims are supposed to be a collective that gives a foundation for each other to build on. Social media only amplifies this problem by giving a voice to the ego that we would have never dared to expose in public before the age of the internet.

Self-esteem is also confused with spirituality due to modern Western psychology, which is atheistic in spirit. This is contradictory to Islamic spirituality, in which fighting the nafs and struggling on the path of righteousness are fundamentals in the path to Allah .

3. The two polarized types of da’wah that have become manifest – especially online

On the one hand, we have popular celebrity Shaykhs and Imams whose content and talks are way too conciliatory, and overly cautious so as not to invite dissent or criticism. From one angle I can’t blame them. We started with a da’wah in the 90s that was often way too harsh and oblivious to the difficulties of Muslims in the West. Speaking hard truths that upset your congregation can also get you fired in a heartbeat.

The other angle however, is that even in spaces or situations where that risk is less present, or the danger of not being outspokenly vocal about the truth becomes too imminent, their da’wah remains overly ‘soft’ and ‘sensitive’. At some point, we have to realize that being too lenient with the people is as destructive as being too harsh with them. I can’t remember the last time I saw a series of classes or talks describing Hell, the life of the grave, women being required to obey their husbands, riba being a major sin, or the need to learn Islam before speaking about it. It took way too long for religious leadership to act on ‘Muslim’ figures being advocates for LGBTQ+ views. And yes, there is a way to do all this without becoming a shill.

On the other hand, we have their antagonists, the da’wah warlords on Twitter and YouTube. Their discourse has become all about debates, angry shouting matches, condescending speech, and attacking Shaykhs and Imams from the previous categories, even scholars. For some reason, these people think that because the other group is too soft and lenient, the right approach is to be overly harsh and restrictive. What these guys have done is create a chaotic and savage world of Islamic discourse where the loudest, brashest, and most arrogant preacher is the winner. These guys sought to correct the excesses of the first category but ended up creating their own culture of celebrity fandom and echo chambers, except that they usually have a much poorer level of Islamic knowledge than the first.

But let’s face it, these brothers are often addressing issues that celebrity shaykhs and Imams are unable to or afraid to touch. If the right people don’t speak up on issues within their purview, they should not be surprised when the wrong people take up the responsibility instead.

Da’wah and public preaching – the soft & the tough kind – both have their place. The Qur’an balances between reminders about Heaven and Hell. But they should never be two separate camps. Also, if people at this introductory level are not funneled into more formal learning (not scholarly) that demonstrates the truth-in-between-the-noise in a common-sense and factual way, people will drown in the embattled shallows.

Solutions:

1. We must stop thinking that no one can judge us is a judgment in itself on others, in that they are incapable, undeserving, or unjustified in their judging of us.
2. We must learn to humble ourselves and accept advice. It’s perfectly okay to be wrong, and it’s perfectly okay to be reminded that we’re wrong by other people, be they the same gender or another. All of us need external accountability. None of us can see or acknowledge all of our faults.
3. Get out of your comfort zone. Too many Muslims only spend time with people who agree with them. Your best friends are not those who agree with everything you say and cater to your ego, but who challenge you and bring you closer to Allah by giving you advice grounded in the proper understanding of Islamic ethics and spirituality.
4. We must learn about the importance of encouraging good and forbidding evil in Islam and how Islam is not just a private religion but a public one.
5. We must appreciate the stark difference between ‘believing in ourselves’ vs. ‘believing in Allah ’. The Muslim’s sense of self-worth should always be linked to their sense of ubudiyyah, or slavehood to Allah . If we do not ingrain in ourselves that we are slaves to the Creator and must submit to Him, then we will inevitably become slaves to another, even if it be our own nafs.
6. Da’wah needs reform. Imam and Shaykhs must become more outspoken about uncomfortable truths. If they stay silent about them, then they should not be surprised when others arise to speak about the issues that they don’t address, and criticize them for their silence. Uncomfortable truths are still truths, and if the right people don’t address them, then others will feel the need to stand up for them.

Related:

– Naseehah: The Art Of Giving Islamic Advice And Dawah Online #FiqhOfSocialMedia

– Are Western Muslims Becoming Right-Wing? The Emergence Of A Politically Mature Community With Agency