Ramadan Guilt: The (Very) Unwanted Visitor

We’re well into Ramadan: the blessed month we all hope will breathe new life into our weary souls. But we often fall short of the plans we had, the goals we set, and an unwanted visitor -Ramadan guilt- soon arrives to sabotage our opportunity for renewal.

Feeling guilty, about not doing more or exerting ourselves like others are, is something we’ve all experienced. But sometimes these feelings go too far.

I remember a close friend once confiding that she wasn’t looking forward to Ramadan; even though she was surrounded by people buzzing with motivational reminders, her main experience of the month was one of self-loathing.

Where do these feelings come from? And how can we overcome them?

Feelings of guilt and inadequacy about Ramadan are part of a larger pattern of limiting beliefs and negative self-talk that are likely manifesting in many areas of our lives. Doubting our abilities, beating ourselves up about our mistakes, and comparing ourselves to others are some of the ways this negativity crops up.

Here are seven ways to overcome these feelings:

1. Recognize that it’s from Shaytan

Each one of us has a companion from the jinn whose job it is to whisper evil thoughts to us. They’re a creative lot, and they try everything to turn us away from good deeds and towards evil deeds (or, if they’re unsuccessful, useless deeds).

Because they have no power except to suggest, these whispers are all-important tools. If we can be persuaded to believe that we’re unworthy—by convincing us to despair, think negatively of Allah , or think negatively of ourselves—our desire and motivation to do good will be eliminated.

Allah tells us in the Qur’an that Shaytan is a clear enemy to us and that his life mission is to lead us all astray.

“Indeed, Satan is an enemy to you; so take him as an enemy. He only invites his party to be among the companions of the Blaze.” [Surah Fatir: 35;6]

And Prophet Muhammad informed us that Shaytan “flows through the human being like the flowing of blood.” [Sahih Muslim]

Once we recognize that these thoughts are from Shaytan, we can begin to challenge them.

2. Shift your mindset

Worship (PC: Muhsin CK [unsplash])

Remembering what Ramadan is all about will help us see it as the gift it is—not the burden it becomes if we’ve placed unreachable expectations on ourselves. 

It’s the month in which the first verses of the Qur’an were revealed, to bring humanity out of darkness and into light. In a world where we’ve witnessed the depths of depravity human beings can reach, we need to hold on to the guidance we’ve been blessed with.

We can all agree that we need to better understand the Qur’an and apply it in our lives, and that we desperately need its comfort and healing.

Tapping into the “why” behind our Ramadan goals can help us see the bigger picture and let go of some of the details. If you’re not able to read as much Qur’an as you planned to, it’s okay. Just read whatever you can. As long as you’re moving in the right direction, you’re succeeding. And remember that actions are judged by intentions; perhaps you will get the entire reward of what you intended even if it didn’t happen.

3. Stop comparing yourself to others

One of the most damaging things to our well-being—in all matters—is comparing ourselves to others. In the context of Ramadan, this is often what directly leads to the consuming guilt that we feel. All around us, we see people completing the reading of the Qur’an (sometimes multiple times), standing for hours in prayer, and doing acts of charity. What if we can’t live up to that?

It’s simple; we don’t have to. Each one of us has different circumstances, responsibilities, and struggles. And Allah knows about them more than you do!

Instead of looking at others, compare yourself to yourself. What can you do during these blessed days that you don’t usually do outside of Ramadan? What habits do you want to build that you can carry forward after the month is over?

Remember, choosing what deeds to do during Ramadan is very personal. What’s possible for you? What’s beloved to you? What will increase your iman? Then do it consistently, no matter how small.

Remember also that just as there are many gates to Jannah, there are many ways to do good. With the right intention, all your interactions and all the work you normally do—a nine-to-five job, parenting, activism, writing, even cooking—can be converted into good deeds.

4. Be practical

Avoid setting yourself up for disappointment by steering clear of goals that are unrealistic for your particular circumstances. If it’s not possible for you to pray daily at the masjid, for example, or finish reading the Qur’an, what’s the next best thing?

Ask yourself what’s doable for you, and try to stick to it. Remember, worship is not an all-or-nothing affair. If you can’t pray eight rak’ahs of taraweeh, you can still pray two; if you can’t read an entire juz, you can still read one page.

Remember that Allah is aware of your circumstances, and He is Appreciative of any effort you make to come closer to Him. Also, remember what the Prophet taught us about consistency: “the most beloved of deeds to Allah is the most regular and constant, even if it were little” [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

5. Be kind to yourself

If you don’t reach your goals, treat yourself with kindness and mercy. And keep trying! If you notice harsh and blaming self-talk, imagine that you’re speaking to a friend in the same situation. Unfortunately, we often forget to be kind to ourselves—including comforting ourselves when we fall short—even when being kind to others is second nature.

6. Cut out distractions

Cut out distractions (PC: Thought Catalogue [unsplash])

One way to increase the quality of our worship even when we can’t increase its quantity, is to cut out as many distractions as possible from our daily lives.

Instead of rushing about completing endless tasks, prioritize what really needs to get done and see what can be delayed until after the month.

Instead of spending hours preparing elaborate meals, try to simplify your iftar fare and use the time saved for your worship.

Instead of unwinding with things that won’t benefit you, seek out soul-nourishing content like tafseer, seerah, or a series on Allah’s names and attributes. (Listening to this content while commuting or cooking is a great way to incorporate it into your daily routines; a practice that will help with continuity after Ramadan)

Our minds can only hold so much, so this Ramadan, let’s slow down, turn inward, and be mindful of our words and actions. Let’s disconnect from whatever distracts us, and keep words of remembrance and praise on our tongues.

7. Connect with Allah

The best way to combat negative self-perceptions is by connecting with Allah Himself. He created each one of us and chose what to bless us with. He knows what our hearts whisper to us and is closer to us than our jugular vein.

“And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.” [Surah Qaf: 50;16]

The more we learn about Allah’s attributes—and what better way to learn than through His words?—and internalize this knowledge, the kinder we will be with ourselves.

We will learn that Allah is Ash-Shakur, The Appreciative; He sees and appreciates our deeds, even if they are small. He is Al-Ghafur, The Forgiving; He gave us the gift of Ramadan to wipe away our sins, and He loves those who seek forgiveness. He is Al-Wadood, The Loving; He revealed many verses in the Qur’an to comfort the hurt feelings of Prophet Muhammad (e.g. Surah Al-Hijr:97-99), and He returned baby Musa to his mother so that she would not grieve (e.g Surah Taha:40). And He loves the believers!

So what are you waiting for? You’re a believer—one of those whom Allah loves—and Ramadan is not over yet! Roll up your sleeves, hold your head high, and walk forward in the world with all of the unique abilities Allah has planted inside of you.

Related:

– Show Up As You Are: Overcoming Ramadan Guilt For The Last 10 Nights

– Ramadan With A Newborn: Life Seasons, Ibaadah, And Intentionality