An Aayah That Changed My Life After Parenthood

…”I only complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah…” [12:86]

I can’t help but think about Yaqoob عليه السلام – what his children said to him and how he responded: They said: “By Allah! You will never cease remembering Yusuf until you become weak with old age or until you be of the dead.”
He said: “I only complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah…” [12:85-86]

I look at this story of Yaqoob عليه السلام and I get to learn so much from it. I find this aayah carrying so many lessons, like:

1) Express to The One Who Understands

Yaqoob عليه السلام’s children were annoyed by their father’s expression of (rightful) emotions, and their father (instead of expressing his emotions to them) turned to Allah. He disengaged because there’s no benefit in staying in a conversation where your emotions are not held. And he turned away from them and said: “Alas, my grief for Yusuf (Joseph)!” – crying is how our body releases pent-up energy after a traumatic or distressing event – but eventually, he lost his sight because of the sorrow that he had to suppress (in terms of expressing to loved ones around) for so long. What I found profound is the fact that instead of believing that he should get over it, he actually changes his channel of emotions. He doesn’t express it in front of the same audience. He finds a far better refuge. They couldn’t listen to their father’s expression of emotions because they were insecure. They knew they were the reason for all those emotions pouring out. So they wanted to shut him down.

When people in our lives shut their doors on us because they have their own unhealed parts that they refuse to recognise, turn to Allah. Along with that, find another channel of expression, find another set of audience instead of believing that you have to suppress your emotions in order to live in peace.

2) Don’t let suppressed emotions chip away at your health

Suppressed emotions resulted in loss of sight for Yaqub عليه السلام. Don’t let suppressed emotions chip away at your physical health as well. Your body keeps score. Its core purpose is to keep you safe so it has to remember everything (even if your mind forgets) to re-utilise the learning from that experience to combat another similar experience.

Huzn is to grieve/mourn, be sad/unhappy. To be rough or rugged and hard , also (said of a beast) to be rough in pace or not easy to ride upon – .

Huzn is a natural feeling (just like all other emotions). Suppression, on the other hand, is a learned behaviour (sometimes unconsciously learnt through life’s experiences – especially in childhood). Suppression comes from the place of fear (as a form of self-protection). And for a short amount of time, it may help us stay protected, but in the long run, it’s actually the quite opposite.

According to the translation by Muhsin Khan (and many others), it says: “And he turned away from them and said: “Alas, my grief for Yusuf!” And he lost his sight because of the sorrow that he was suppressing.”
فهو كظيم

kaziim is the one who is grieving inwardly and in silence (sometimes also defined as repressor of rage – because suppressed emotions can easily turn into rage if left unattended for far too long).

Some of the very interesting meanings from this word are:
*A well from which a canal proceeds
*Holding the breath
*Shutting the door
*A rope for the camel’s nose

Now apply all those meanings to the situation of Yaqub عليه السلام.
Have you ever experienced that when you shut the door to your emotions, you may have to hold your breath (choke back tears) and they may feel like a well from which the canal of tears will proceed if you let go of your breath?!

Also, rope through a camel’s nostrils (if not done right) can be a painful experience, which may result in damage to its tissues – eventually being exposed to flies/maggots.

It’s said that trauma is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result – It is not the blow on the head, but the concussion you get! And that’s the good news! Your concussion can heal Alhamdulillah!

3) Unaddressed grief may turn into anger

When I was reflecting upon how Yaqub عليه السلام lost his sight because of the grief that he was suppressing, I couldn’t help but think as to why there are so many ahadith on suppressing the anger – If suppression of emotions is so harmful for us.

And then I realised – it’s because anger is almost ALWAYS a blanket emotion, which is why suppressing it helps. You may then get to the root cause of it as a result. Is it fear? Is it grief? Is it injustice? Or is it any other suppressed emotion from which the anger is stemming?
Also, feeling angry and showing anger (through words/actions) are two different things. The latter can harm us and others as well. Hence why we have so many Sunnah tips on how to control and manage the anger.

As parents, we sometimes don’t see and hear ourselves when we are angry, especially when dealing with our kids. We don’t realize the intensity of our behaviour until we see someone else doing the same.
It helps to know your triggers and work on the underlying issues by trying to shift your attention from your child to your inner state. Under your anger is sometimes fear, sadness, powerlessness, or disappointment. Let all of that well up, and just breathe. Let the tears come if they need to. Be kind to yourself. Once you let yourself feel what’s under the anger – without taking action – the anger will begin to melt away because it was just a secondary emotion.

4) Your efforts will never go to waste in front of Allah

Sometimes, unconscious memories from your own childhood may get triggered, and you may start acting in ways that are similar to the ways you were treated when you were young. So parent yourself first with the compassion you may have required at that time.
And remember, you don’t have to drag your mistakes back into today. Or carry it into tomorrow. Forgive yourself for your anger while working on the primary emotion underneath it. Allow yourself the feelings and know that Rasool Allah ﷺ called tears a sign of mercy so you can process the emotions without guilt and shame before your body has to cover it with anger to be able to process the intensity of your primary neglected emotions.

Yaqub السلام‎ عليه’s sons tried to kill their own brother. Not just 1 or 2 but TEN children went astray. No wonder he lost his eyesight because of all the tears and years of grief. And no wonder he needed sabrun jameel (beautiful patience) to survive this brutal reality that he was the father of children with murderous traits and deep-rooted envy. He was a loving father (which one can tell from the fact that his son came to share his dream with him and how he lovingly responded despite its implications). But alhamdulillah his story has a happy ending. His children repented and came back to the right path. Even though it took a LOT of years.

If you want to be a good parent, revolve your life around Allah instead of your children! You’ll get results in aakhirah based on YOUR efforts and intentions. Make that your focus like Yaqub عليه السلام did to succeed in parenting – despite the odds. His kids finally repented to Allah and his eyes came back to life by living through the same trauma (in a positive way) that took his sight in the first place. From seeing his son’s shirt of blood to smelling his shirt of royalty (as Yusuf عليه السلام was a king at that time). SubhaanAllah!