Death The Greatest Teacher: Three Life-Lessons From My Dead Daughter

If you want advice – death is sufficient, says Muslim scholar Bediüzzaman Said Nursi. True. Every time I visit the gravesite of my sweet three-year-old Meryem, I am painfully awakened in new ways. Her love and light continue to sustain and strengthen me. She has turned into a spiritual guide of some sort and invites me into her new afterlife. Our reconfigured relationship prioritizes existential questions. More than ever, my thinking, writing, and teaching centers around marginalized topics like suffering, death and grief. To me, my dead daughter imparts the greatest lessons on life. For Muslims, the meditation on death should be ideally part and parcel of daily spiritual practice. A moderate amount of a healthy fear of death enhances the quality of life and becomes life-preserving. However, humans tend to forget as the Qur’an points out and we all can be prone to fall into a mode of avoidance or denial:

“And do not be like those who forget God, so He made them forget themselves. It is they who are truly rebellious.” [Surah Al-Hashr: 59;19]

“When trouble befalls the human being he cries out to Us, whether lying on his side, sitting, or standing, but as soon as We relieve him of his trouble he goes on his way as if he had never cried out to Us to remove his trouble. In this way the deeds of such heedless people are made attractive to them.” [Surah Yunus:10;12]

As for many, remembering death frequently has given me a greater clarity, sharper vision and more in-depth understanding of life. Death can strangely make you more alive and transform you into a better version of yourself. A reason why many thinkers concluded that life has no meaning without mortality. In that regard, three profound life-lessons in particular have stood out to me:  

1. We are all migrants

As humans we are fundamentally migratory beings. Change, mobility, movement and motion are essential to human development and flourishing. Without inner and physical activity we cease to thrive and exist. We age, reach our peak and gradually decline. Again, slowly migrating from one stage to another is intrinsic to the human experience. Death is an inescapable reality. None of us is bound to stay on this earth. The Qur’an mentions in Surah Al-‘Araf [7:172] about the primordial covenant and gathering of the souls. According to that we came from a celestial origin, “And when your Lord brought forth from the children of Adam, from their loins, their seed, and made them testify of themselves: “Am I not your Lord?” They said: “Yes, we testify.” We dwell on earth for a determined period and ultimately have to return to our final destination – our heavenly home. Yet, we pretend we can claim absolute ownership on our bodies, our loved ones, our wealth and property, and on God-given resources and territory. None of it belongs truly to us. The True Owner calls us to support and uplift one another on this universal journey, “They believe in God and the Last Day, and they enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and hasten to good deeds. And those are among the righteous,” [Surah ‘Ali-Imran: 3;114]. Indeed we belong to God, and indeed to Him we will all return, declares the Qur’an. If I am only a guest, trustee and caretaker of this earth and all what it contains, I strive to make sure that I walk and act humbly on this planet and return everything in the best manner back to my Creator. If I am destined to leave and none of my attachments can come with me, then perhaps I should focus on leaving a spiritual imprint or moral legacy behind and use all what I have as a means to achieve this vision. 

2. Mindfulness – Life is now

The past is gone. Learn from its lessons. Tomorrow is non-existent – the future is not promised. Ruminating too much over the past, overthinking and excessive worry about the future is also wasted mental energy that we desperately need for the now. Therefore, do not cry before beaten, says Bediüzzaman again. Mortality makes us intensely aware that all what we have is this very moment. The present is truly a present – a blessing not taken for granted. Often, I go back to my last time with my daughter and I am grateful that all the important things that truly matter were said, felt and done. As I want to return in peace to my Creator, I try to be more kind to myself and others, more forgiving and ideally not to hold onto grudges. True human liberation comes with a sense of freeing oneself from destructive and harmful thoughts. The future while unknown holds also the possibility for goodness. To anticipate it with hope and good assumptions is a characteristic of a believer. To assume the best of God and trust in His Decree puts the heart at ease. Whatever He has written for you will be in your best interest.   

3. Gratitude – Focus on abundance over absence 

Meryem’s death called me to slow down, to pay more attention, to live more mindfully, to make every day count and to be more aware of my blessings. I aspire to live more consciously and more holistically by engaging all my inner and outer senses in a mode of gratitude: when I enjoy an apple or my coffee, I practice the art of noticing. I reflect on the creation, shape, smell, taste and origin of my blessing and find more wholesome delight by recognizing the love and care of my compassionate Creator. I try to respond to His Love by doing more of what He values and what really matters: cultivate deeper connection with God and the creation, maintain meaningful relationships and engage in more service to others. At the same time, I have given up on the illusion that my to-do tasks will ever be fully accomplished. The fate of the world is thankfully not on my shoulders. I do the best I can on a daily basis, but the work will not finish with me. It will continue. That perspective gives me comfort. I committed myself to a vision that focuses more on abundance and contentment instead of absence and complain.

Death is truly the greatest teacher. If we face our mortality with courage, it will enhance the quality of our lives. Whatever weighs us down or is detrimental therefore needs to go: Toxic relationships, unnecessary distractions, material clutter that overwhelms. Out Prophet Muhammad encouraged us therefore to be in this world like a traveler or a stranger. Life is a brief moment. We are bound to leave any time. This sustained remembrance of death forces us to examine what is truly essential on this journey and for our ultimate destination. 

Related:

– The Forgotten Sunnah Of Raising Stepchildren: Reflections On The Death Of My Stepson

– My Dearest Fetus: Enduring Unimaginable Loss