When Love Hurts: What You Need to Know About Toxic Relationships | Night 11 with the Qur’an

This series is a collaboration between Dr. Ali and MuslimMatters, bringing Quranic wisdom to the questions Muslim families are navigating.

The Relationship Nobody Talks About

Muslim parents worry about haram relationships—romantic ones, primarily.

But the toxic relationships destroying Muslim teens are often:

• Controlling friendships
• Emotionally manipulative “situationships”
• Bullying relationships disguised as friendship
• Family relationships with toxic dynamics
• And yes—sometimes romantic relationships

The Quran addresses all of these.

And it does so through the most heartbreaking story of parental love in Islamic history.

The Story of Nuh & His Son

Prophet Nuh ﷺ preached for 950 years. He endured mockery, rejection, and isolation.

But his greatest pain? His own son.

As the flood came, Nuh saw his son refusing to board the ark. He called to him desperately. His son refused.

And then Allah said words that shatter every parent’s heart:

قَالَ يَـٰنُوحُ إِنَّهُۥ لَيْسَ مِنْ أَهْلِكَ ۖ إِنَّهُۥ عَمَلٌ غَيْرُ صَـٰلِحٍۢ

“He is not of your family. He is of unrighteous conduct.” [Surat Hud 11:46]

What this teaches:

• Even the purest love has limits
• You cannot force someone to be saved
• Your responsibility to your own soul is real
• Walking away—when someone is determined to drown—is sometimes the only option

Warning Signs of Toxic Relationships for Parents to Know

1. Isolation: Your teen is pulling away from family, friends, and the masjid community.

• “They don’t like my friends anyway”
• “My family just doesn’t understand”
• Sudden withdrawal from activities they used to love

2. Mood Changes Tied to One Person: Their emotional state is entirely dependent on one person’s behavior.

• Constantly checking their phone anxiously
• Devastated by this one person’s disapproval
• Extreme highs and lows tied to one relationship

3. Changed Values: They’re doing things that contradict their Islamic values to please someone.

• Crossing physical boundaries
• Lying to family about whereabouts
• Abandoning religious practice to “fit” the relationship

4. Excessive Guilt and Self-Blame: They’re constantly apologizing for things that aren’t their fault.

• “I made them angry”
• “If I were better, they wouldn’t treat me this way.”
• Walking on eggshells around one person

5. Fear of Ending It: They know it’s wrong, but are afraid to leave.

• “They’ll hurt themselves if I go. They told me they’ll commit suicide.” (Note: If someone threatens suicide, tell a trusted adult immediately. You are not responsible for their choices, and threats of self-harm are a form of manipulation, not love.)
• “They need me”
• Fear of physical reaction to departure

The Islamic Framework: Harm Is Not Love

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“There shall be no causing harm and no receiving of harm.” (Ibn Majah)

This principle applies to every relationship:

• Friendships
• Romantic relationships
• Even family relationships

If a relationship is consistently causing harm:

• Spiritually (pulling from Allah)
• Emotionally (controlling, manipulating, diminishing)
• Physically (any form of violence)

Islam gives not just permission, but responsibility to remove that harm.

What Parents Can Do

1. Create a safe environment for disclosure

Your teen won’t tell you about a toxic relationship if they fear:

• You’ll overreact
• You’ll blame them
• You’ll “fix it” without consulting them
• You’ll use it against them later

Say: “Whatever you’re going through, I want you to come to me first. No judgment. No immediate action without your input. Just me, listening.”

2. Ask better questions

Not: “Are you in a relationship?” (They’ll lie)

But: “Is there anyone in your life right now who makes you feel bad about yourself? Anyone who tries to control what you do?”

3. Know the warning signs

The list above is your checklist. If you see 3 or more, have a gentle conversation.

4. Don’t force a sudden exit

Forced exits from toxic relationships—especially if the other person is controlling or threatening—can be dangerous.

Work with your teen, not over them.

5. Get professional support

A Muslim counselor or therapist can provide what a parent often can’t: professional tools for navigating this safely.

For Teens: The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For

You are allowed to leave.

You are allowed to leave even if:

• They say they love you
• They had a difficult past
• They’ll be devastated
• You’ve been together a long time
• People will judge you

The Prophet ﷺ never caused harm to anyone. And he never condoned harm being caused to anyone.

What you’re experiencing is not love. Love builds. Love respects. Love makes you better.

What you deserve:

• To be seen, not controlled
• To be respected, not belittled
• To be built up, not broken down
• To be loved in a way that brings you closer to Allah, not further

Nuh didn’t abandon his love for his son when he let him go.

He released what he couldn’t control.

You can too.

Discussion Questions for Families

For Teens:

1. Is there a relationship in your life—friendship or otherwise—that consistently makes you feel worse about yourself?
2. Are you staying in anything out of fear or guilt rather than genuine love?
3. Do you feel like you could tell your parents if someone was treating you badly?

For Parents:

1. Have you created an environment where your teen would tell you about a toxic relationship?
2. Are you watching for the warning signs listed above?
3. Do you have a Muslim counselor or therapist you trust who could help your teen if needed?

For Discussion Together:

1. What’s the difference between a difficult relationship and a toxic one?
2. How does the story of Nuh and his son change how you think about love and limits?

What would you do if someone you loved was hurting you?

Continue the Journey

This is Night 11 of Dr. Ali’s 30-part Ramadan series, “30 Nights with the Quran: Stories for the Seeking Soul.”

Tomorrow, insha Allah: Night 12 – “Loneliness & Finding Your People”

For daily extended reflections: https://30nightswithquran.beehiiv.com

Related:

I Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone | Night 10 with the Qur’an

30 Nights with the Qur’an: A Ramadan Series for Muslim Teens