Team Work makes the Dream Work – Chapter 4 – Jamiatul Ulama KZN
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Welcome back to chapter 4 of ‘team work makes the dream work’. This will be the last chapter of the current series. The next series will be directed at the males.
Disclaimer: The stories in our articles are not factual. Their themes however, are based on real life challenges.
In our previous chapter we looked at some of the common themes that seem to exist within our societies, leading to breakdown of marriage. The stories of Anguishing Asma and Distressed Dilshaad, helped us learn to avoid a judgemental outlook on the lives of others. We also determined that with the will of Allah, even the toughest situations can shift given the correct strategies. In addition, it was illustrated that our deen is perfectly balanced and where a genuine need arises, protocols and supports are in place to effect the annulment of a relationship.
This chapter aims to equip our communities with teachings from our deen and to correct any biased perspectives. Over the many years, we have noticed that the much-acclaimed feminist dialogue has penetrated our communities. Somewhere along the grapevine of generations, our communities have come to accept and uphold this western dialogue and furthermore seems to use the rights given to women in deen to further market the catastrophic feminist dialogue. A dialogue that claims… ‘I can do what you do and even better … I am in charge’. This is a faulty dialogue which has many fatal consequences. This western dialogue which may have served to support the industrial revolution (ie: having more people in the workforce for monetary gains) and which may serve as a retaliation to the injustices that females may have been experiencing from some of their male counterparts, nevertheless it still presents a faulty and flawed dialogue. Even though it may ruffle a few feathers, I invite you to enter this world for a few moments…
A world that has stripped our women of their rightful and traditional status as Rabbatul Bait (Queen of the home) and has marketed to us instead, the alluring cover of indignity. Ask the woman who exits the safety of her home in flimsy-cladding how she REALLY feels inside knowing that many appreciating eyes have stroked her? What about the females who believe that a family decision made by her husband is infact ‘controlling’ and that she must gain authority over the decision-making process?
Not every male who makes decisions and directs the household with a view to keep the home safe is a ‘narcissist’. (This term is being used loosely of recent and is dangerous to our communities). Let us review the income generating capacity of the female and how this may be used to diminish the status of her male counterpart within the nuclear unit. Furthermore, whilst female gender-based violence has received a great deal of coverage (correctly so), who is there to assess the damage the tongue of a female does as it may lash out ingratitude, disrespect and expectation onto her spouse. Shall we not then present equal coverage on this male gender-based violence (and yes, we have also seen females who physically abuse their spouses)? Like anguishing Asma described in the last chapter…’I can bear the hitting, but the insulting words are something I can’t bear any longer’. Coming from a female who describes the severity of emotional and verbal abuse over the physical abuse. Any type of abuse is damaging.
This feminist dialogue thus runs much deeper than we initially understood. It has successfully chipped away at the respect and integrity of the position of the male in the family. Our Creator has designed a harmonious system for us. The husband remains as Ameer of the family (including a mashwera process), and sometimes if he does not do his job properly, to believe that the feminist dialogue will solve the problem is well, like fitting a square peg into a round hole. There are other permissible ways to resolve problems that arise in relationships.
When females unknowingly begin to root for the feminist dialogue in their relationships…there is bound to be trouble. Would you rather enjoy a 6-hour road trip seeing sights out the window and munching on the padkos or would you prefer to tell your hubby, hop over, I want to drive us there just because I can do it and I might be better than you at it. Then go on to spend your six hours with strained focus on the road ahead to get you all there safely…or worse still, try getting into the driver’s seat with him still there in it and direct the steering anyway! Sounds really funny, but its what many of us do when we talk over our spouse or want to assume his leadership role. Then some of us use the benefits we achieve to diminish his rank. Why make life difficult for yourself by wanting to assume power over your spouse? One day he will stand accountable in front of his Creator.
I’ll share a bit of humour about the degree of respect the past generations have had in their relationships. If you know a bit of zulu and gujerati, you might enjoy this one. A wife when speaking with her husband never called him by his name but always said ‘hambroch’ which means she would ‘respectfully draw her husband’s attention to something she was about to say’. The domestic of the home eventually went to seek work elsewhere and when asked where she had worked previously, replied… ‘Khaya ga lo hambroch’ …which means ‘at the house of Hambroch’ which she assumed to be his name.
The point of this humour is essentially to highlight the degree of respect, gratitude and kindness that was maintained by a wife towards her husband. Over the years, these qualities appear to have disintegrated tremendously. The feminist dialogue appears to command a large slice of the disintegration of the relationship pie. Shaytaan has been scoring big time.
The hadith is a clear warning … “there will be more females in hell due to their ingratitude” AND another hadith …something about take care of what is between the lips/the tongue
Let these remain as a warning and guideline to us. Many, many couples have walked through our doors over the years and if we are to draw the 1 single ingredient that a female can apply in order to maintain the strength of her home, it is to offer great respect to her husband DESPITE HIS FLAWS. Obviously, no-one is perfect so flaws will have to be both overlooked and corrected if we are to build strong communities. Focus primarily on the spouse’s positives and slowly build on their room for improvement with loads of hikmah (wisdom). Enjoy the path of ehsaan over the rigour of standing rigidly to your rights/perspectives.
Allah Taála has created males and females differently in order to COMPLIMENT and SUPPLEMENT one another, not to obliterate the other. The husband’s role is Ameer to protect and provide. The wife’s role is to nurture and guide the children. (Some of these skills sometimes don’t come naturally, but we can learn them). Use the power, skills, talents Allah has blessed you with to create a synergy. Work towards growth because… Team work makes the dream work!
QUICK GROWTH VISION BOARD FOR FEMALES FROM THE TEACHINGS OF OUR DEEN
- Lower your tone (…Allah dislikes…. the voice of a donkey)
- Sweeten your voice
- Smile more often (he will eat off your palm…ssshhh! Trade secret)
- Choose attractive words to effect the outcome you desire (No, this is not manipulation, its doing life right because you are still trying to be affectionate and pleasant for the rest of the 24hrs after you get the extra shopping money!)
- Stop and reflect before responding when upset or hurt
- Delay your response when angry (what to do in the moment has been shared before)
- Use affectionate and positive pet names.
- Ladies first …make the first move to positivity, inshaAllah you will notice the reciprocal effect it has over time.
- Follow the sunnah of Nabi (saw): play games, eat from the same utensils, smile, lay in the lap of the spouse.
Finally, consult with us to identify your skills and learn how to use them effectively to create this synergy for your home. Most often, we find that various problems are presented as ‘ legitimate reasons’ for the couples counselling or annulment requests. When we sit with the couple and cut away the fluff, we find that the deepest issue the wives grapple with is the lack of care, appreciation and love they experience from their husbands.
Up next …The Husband’s series …A DIY for husband to understand how to manage Ameership and be that knight in shining armour all in one.
Apa Z Aboobaker.
Counselling Psychologist
